American and British English.

There are ten pairs of words given below which means the same but sounds different in American and British English.

 

1)      Apartment / Flat

2)      Wallet / Billfold

3)      Curtains / Drapes

4)      Closet / Cupboard

5)      Elevator / Lift

6)      Fall / Autumn

7)      Torch / Flash Light

8)      Kid / Child

9)      Realtor / Estate Agent

10)    Sophomore / Second Year Student

 

 

 

 

 

Try to figure out which is American and which is British English.

 

 

   .

   ..

   …

   ….

   …..

   …….

 

American	British
Apartment	Flat
Billfold	Wallet
Drapes	Curtains
Closet	Cupboard
Elevator	Lift
Fall	Autumn
Flash Light	Torch
Kid	Child
Realtor	Estate Agent
Sophomore	Second Year Student

 

 

 

 

Why men dont write advice columns??

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady . I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
 
Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila,  

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

Walter

–

Just for fun

THE SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.

Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known “happy going marriage”.

Editor: ” Sir. It’s amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? “

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:

” We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.

Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.

My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said “This is your first time”.

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again.

This time she again kept calm and said “This is your second time” and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: “What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?” ..

She gave a silent look and said: “This is your first time!!!”.”

Husband: “That’s it. We are happy ever after. “

SCIENCE QUIZ(fun with animals)

1.A fish which is not a fish…………………………
2.A cucumber which is not a cucumber…………………….
3.A mouse which is not a mouse……………………….
4.A fan which is not a fan…………………………….
5.A hare which is not a hare……………………………
6.A lemon which is not a lemon……………………….
7.A pen which is not a pen………………………..
8.A horse which is not a horse………………………….
9.A cow which is not a cow……………………………..
10.A puppy which is not a puppy………………………..

.

.

.

Answers for science quiz (fun with animals)
1.Lepisma(silver fish)
2.Cucumaria(sea Cucumber)
3.Aphrodite(sea Mouse)4.Gorgonia(seaFan) 5.Aplysia(Sea hare)
6.Doris(sea lemon)
7.Pennatula(sea pen)
8.Hippocampus(Sea horse)
9.Dugong(sea cow)
10.Necturus(Mud Puppy)

Child’s play!!!!

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day.
Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
‘ Hello ? ‘
‘Is your daddy home?’ he asked.
‘ Yes ,’ whispered the small voice’.
‘May I talk with him?’
The child whispered, ‘ No .’
‘ Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your Mommy there?’
‘ Yes ‘
‘May I talk with her?’
Again the small voice whispered, ‘ No
‘ Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’
‘ Yes ,’ whispered the child, ‘ a policeman. ‘
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked,
‘May I speak with the policeman?’
‘ No, he’s busy’ , whispered the child.
‘Busy doing what?’
‘ Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman and the priest’ ,  came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone,
the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’
‘ A helicopter ‘ answered the whispering voice.
‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,’ The search team just landed a helicopter ‘
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
‘What are they searching for?’
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…
‘ ME ! ‘

Just for FUN

Dog Watch
Guest: “Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?”
Hotel Host: “I can’t imagine, unless it’s because you have the plate he usually eats from.”

The Boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses’ wife instead: “I’m afraid he died last week.” she explains.The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. “I told you” the wife replies, “he died last week.” The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: “I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?”
“Coz . . .” he replied laughing, “I just love hearing it. . . .”

Time
SURD: “Excuse me sir, what time is it?”
MAN: “It’s 3:15.”
SURD: (puzzled look on his face) “You know, it’s theweirdest thing, Ihavebeen asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.”

The Burnt Ears
One day a man was going on the street. He met a man who asked him what had happened to his ears as both ears covered with bandages.
He said: “I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, i pick up the iron, so i burnt my ear.”
The man asked “So what happened to your other ear?”
He said “That same stupid guy called again”

What part did you get?
This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father. His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get? He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said “That’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”

Hotel Ka Khana
Customer : Bhai kab se wait ker raha hoon khana abhi tak tayyar nahi huwa?
Hotel Wala : Bhai sahab khana to 3 din pehlay se tayyar hai bas gharam ho raha hai.

2 Pagal
Pehla Pagal : Ager tum batao kay is Box mein kia hai tu ye anday tumhara aur agar tum ye bata do kay ye kitnay anday hain tu 5 kay 5 tumhara hai aur agar tum ye bata dogay ye kis kay anday hain tu wo morgi bhi tumhari.
Dosra Pagal : Yaar koi hint to de.

Clever
Teacher : Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil: Moon…
Teacher : Why?
Pupil : The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the daytime when we don’t need it.

Germs
Teacher: What r the people of Turkey called?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: They r called Turks, now What r the people of Germany called?
Student: They r called Germs.

Disney Password
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,” and asked why it was so long.”
Because,” my son explained, “they say it has to have at least four characters.”

 

Height of Interesting…….

1. What is height of Fashion?
Ans : Dhoti with a zip .

2. What is height of Secrecy?
Ans : Offering blank visiting cards.

3. What is height of Active laziness?
Ans : Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

4. What is height of Craziness?
Ans : Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Ans : Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
6. What is height of Stupidity?
Ans : A person looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

7. What is height of Honesty?
Ans : A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

8. What is height of Suicide?
Ans : A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

9. What is height of De-hydration?
Ans : A cow giving milk powder.

10. What is Height of Kanjoosi ?
Ans : Banta’s house has caught fire and he is giving miss calls to the Fire brigade!!!

…………………..

SQL Process For Marriage

Wedding Query……..(Stored Procedure Style)   CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
@ BrideGroom Char(NotBad),
@ Bride Char(Good)  

AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM india Brides
WHERE
FatherInLaw = ‘Millionaire’ AND
CarCount > 2 AND
HouseStatus =’TwoStoreyed’ AND
BrideEduStatus=’PG orAbove’
HavingBrothers=’NO’ AND
HavingSisters =’No’ AND
AllowRelocate =’YES’ AND SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw UPDATE MyBankAccout SET

MyBal = MyBal + FatherinLawBal
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherinLawGold INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES (‘BMW’)
 END
GO  
..
.
.
.
.
Then the wife writes the below query:
DROP  HUSBAND ;

Test Your IQ

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.

You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time, answer all of

them immediately. Let’s find out just how clever you really are.
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second place

person. What position are you in?

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong!

If you overtake the second place person, and you take their place,

you are second!

To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took

for the first question.
Second Question:

If you are in a race, and you overtake the last person, then you are?

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are

wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

You’re not having a good time at this! Are you?

Very tricky maths! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do

NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Third Question:

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.

Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. now add 10.

What is the total?

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Answer: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last

question right?

Fourth Question:
Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4.

Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the

question again!

Okay, now the bonus round. You can partially redeem yourself with

this one!!!!!

Bonus Question:

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By

imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth he successfully

expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now

if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,

how should he express himself?

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask. He’s blind, not

mute – so simple.

…

…

KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE “SMART PEOPLE” IN YOUR LIFE……….

“Ask not what your country can do for you: Ask what you can do for your country.”

English Is a Crazy Language

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let’s face it — English is a crazy language!!!